Not After You

i said it to your face

and still even then it was not enough

i told you the time

the events and how they took place

and yet still not good enough.

Self-defense works both ways

and forcing to jump over the fence

to get your way is and had never been necessary

apparently you like ot make it rough

for girls on the land.

I ran

I hide

I went dark

but i exist

for however long i will

and my "friend"

i know you are pissed

i never wanted to kill myself if you left me

I wanted to kill myself over the baby!

You narcissist.

but its over now

been over for a long time

i just needed a friend to be a friend

a partner to be a partner

a lover to be a lover

and a husband to be a husband

with the ring or not.

as i said

Starfucker's incorporated

with your pretty hate machines

i am not after you

while you've been after me

i have my own set of problems

like getting sexually assaulted a total of

19 times since william

since unlucky year 2013

Stupid dating life

and Tinder

and this year is the same

with another white snake

black snake

red snake moans

just another snake's years

but far worse when its the dragon here

That man

you say i lied about him

well i'm here to put you straight

create a new image for you to understand

dont get raped hasn't worked for me

and daddy and his issues

well thats on the board now.

You know I was right

you know i warned you about what could

would

possibly

and did

happen to me

and called me crazy

"peter crying wolf."

i reported it in this state

and in that state

so it is now on record

and don't be late

alice you say

my name isnt alice

or the queen of hearts

or crow queen

or green limousine

i am me

I never wanted to be her.

I am me.

Not the dragon queen.

don't "say my name"

anymore

take my name out of your mouth

you don't have permission to speak

my name in vain.

You took things way out of context

like all these things have been

i'm not after you sir

never have been

I've been afraid of you

of them

of him

Abusive hateful men

and women.

i'm after me

I care about me

and how i live

stop tampering me as the witness/victim

to prevent my testimony.

Against him

not you

It was NEVER About you

Not obsessed

just healing

moving through these feelings

of unforgiveness on your end

and your deposition

Daddy molested me

You prick

doesn't mean I'm a danger to children

I warned the officer then

and tomorrow

and the next day

that that man will do

whatever it takes

to get away

I messaged my cousin

my aunt

my family

that daddy is a pedophile

that's what my father is

a pedophile

Don't you remember that day

once upon a time

when things were a little more softer

when we were in love

that I said I didn't want him at my wedding

and I said that homeless people die

and what did you do

you abandoned your future wife

this isn't me trying to contact you

its called venting.

I tried to heal this misunderstanding

but your hatred is a brick wall

of iron bars

trapping You in.

this is me telling you

I'm over you

I'm over it

i have been for years

and your obsession with blaming me

for your past mistakes

for our mistake

we made together

just because I mention you

means you are apart of my history

thats it.

It is not my fault I was abused as a child

It was never okay to abuse me

for vengence

you threw the first punch

I didn't

I had so many black-outs

from the trauma

but I remember them now

I even blamed myself for it

that was me being sick sir

in sickness and in health

and I told you not to make me angry

I said

as we sat eye to eye

I'm autistic honey

neruodivergent

doesn't mean I'm psychotic

but what I've been through has been psychotic

and it affects you after a while

when your healing is run dry

like a reservoir

emotions are just energy in motion

and despite my anger

I would never hit you

or touch you

or them

or him

or her

in a way i have been touched

because its wrong

even when i have been hit

by my mother

my father

my ex-boyfriend ricky

that poor bastard ricky

who took a machete to my car

my cabinet

on a meth binge

never have i once

been pushed to do

what has been done to me

its called a boundary

its hard-coded in me

Never hit back

and that decision

saved my life

when a man cut me with a knife

and sodomized me

after watching rape porn

on his home video camera

he pulled out of his back seat

of his car.

My mother slapped me in the face

her and her drinking stinking thinking

kind of like yours

and my brothers

the family disease of alcoholism

cunning

baffling

but when you take the bottle away

where is your excuse for this

I hope you heal someday.

Schisms and retrobution

you are seeking from me

and I honestly

"I don't want you anymore." either

And unlike her

I hope she doesn't get raped

some best friend she is

mad at me because i chose you.

over her

and then you ganged up on me

all of you, called me a narcissit

said it was my fault for beign traumatized

during the "healing" process

in the mental health field.

I almost got raped

and then I did get raped

violently

so violently

so no you don't know How I feel

while you say my feelings don't matter

doesn't count

and your walking eggshells around me

when I never lashed out at you before

not until you let daddy raped me girl

get raped for the kicks.

Its called a psychotic break from medications

and apparently your abuse,

That's what the therapist

and the counselors

and the specilaists

and the doctors

and the professionals

tell me

"it's not your fault."

and yet

I still get blamed

preventing me to testify on my behalf

and the behalf of my mother

and the behalf of other peoples' daughters

Don't you get it

don't you understand?

didn't you know?

Yes, I think you are a complete asshole.

but you, you went too far a long time ago.

I hope someday you change

for the better

not worse

like I said that one time.

I forgave you once.

But you do the same thing over

and over again

expecting the same result.

I wrote this a long time ago

and I added it to today

because Its necessary

I may lash out verbally

but hands on another person

taking a life?

I can't even take my own life.

And I would never want anyone to take yours

or hers

or theirs

not capable

stop giving me strife

stop coming to me for attention

stop stalking me NOW.

I don't want to talk to you

why don't you think

I filed the original protective order?!